Sunset picture is from near Bowl Creek on the CDT in the Bob Marshall Wilderness.

Much of thru-hiking for me has been asking myself the same question over and over: What do you need right now? What do you need physically? What do you need mentally? What do you need emotionally, psychologically, spiritually? When I started northbound, somewhere woven into each answer was always the need to keep going. I loved the desert, and once I got a decent enough handle on water carries and managing the heat, it provided an incredible space for me to spend time with myself, to ask the questions I needed to ask, to derive lessons from what the trail provided me and to relate them back to my regular life. This was what I needed, it was a large part of what I came out there for.

Montana is an entirely different kind of hiking. The beauty is stunning in the literal sense, but hiking out there is much more intense and the margin for error is significantly smaller. I went into the Bob Marshall/Scapegoat Wilderness alone knowing that there were good people ahead and behind me, that it would be hard, and that it would be beautiful. All of these things were true. The views were epic and the wildflowers were serene. The terrain was relatively easy from an elevation change perspective through the Bob, but it presented other challenges and there were several times where I was worried I might die. As I passed from the Bob and into the Scapegoat, the ascents and descents got much more extreme. With the increase in climbs came even more stunning views, but again there were moments where I cut it real close with my life. I noticed even in the moments of ease and incredible beauty that I did not feel the way I had in New Mexico.

In New Mexico I occasionally dreaded obstacles, but I also felt immense happiness and pride when I confronted them and continued. The lows were there, but highs followed. In the moments in between there was this peace, this ability to just be. Sometimes I would listen to music or audiobooks, sometimes I would just walk to the quiet of the earth. So often I felt awe.

In Montana, that dread and fear of obstacles was still there. In and of itself, this was not an issue. The problem was that the accompanying high did not follow. I noticed I only really felt happy when I was hanging out with other hikers or engrossed in an audiobook. Even when things were good and it was beautiful, I didn’t really want to be there. So I asked myself again: What do you need right now? And the answer was not the trail.

I have a tendency to keep myself insanely busy in order to avoid having to deal with my problems. It’s a coping mechanism and it works well in small doses, but it fails in the long term and I have pushed it to an extreme. I came to the trail already kind of burnt out. In New Mexico, I found a space on trail for me to slow down and be. I did not find this space in Montana. Montana has lovely trails, but hiking there was intense in a way that I do not need right now. I probably should have seen this coming, but I’m glad I didn’t. It was still a really incredible trip, it just needed to be much shorter than I’d originally planned for.

There are people who push through even when they don’t want to be there, who do entire thru-hikes this way. I have never wanted to be one of these people. I wanted to believe that if I pushed for a while longer maybe I could get out of my funk, but no one ever fixed exhaustion by pushing harder. I could have continued, but possibly at the expense of my ability to ever enjoy backpacking again. I am not willing to sacrifice an important part of my life in pursuit of an epic but ultimately arbitrary goal (getting to the border) while missing the entire point of the hike, which was to enjoy the landscape and do hard, rewarding, beautiful things.

I don’t see myself attempting to thru-hike the CDT again. It turns out I also don’t like ridgewalks with close, high angle drops offs, especially when the ground is covered in skree. I do hope to return to New Mexico in the future to section hike the entire state, including the section I’ve already done. I really love the desert and my time there was cut short. As a section hike I’ll also be able to go as slow as I feel like going, and can spend more time taking side trails and exploring some of the more scenic/historic areas. I want to return to the Bootheel, and to properly enjoy the Gila River Canyon (hopefully sans giardia next time). There are some other areas of trail that I would still like to visit, and I hope to return to Glacier at some point to spend more time in the backcountry there. I don’t have any concrete plans, but will let people know if and when I do. Right now I need a break and to create habits that are sustainable in the long term.

I came to the trail knowing that I would learn from it and that I would not get to cherry pick what it taught. The goal was to learn, and in that way I have succeeded. There was so much value in both my northbound and southbound trips, and I am so grateful for both of them.